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Yesterday, 04:38 PM
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| Member ?Join Date: Sep 2012 Location: El Paso, TX Posts: 4 | I'm miserable, please help. Hi everybody! I'm brand new here as of today. No, actually, I've been lurking for about a month and finally signed up today. Anyway, I am simply miserable and feel like I'm backed against a wall. My husband of a year and a half is what I consider to be an alcoholic. If he had it his way, he would drink vodka everyday and chase it with beer every evening. I have guilted him because of the stupid things he's done (dui, tried to smother me, and quite the array of verbal fights) and finances to only drink on the weekend and no hard liquor. If he drinks hard alcohol, he gets drunk and stupid. Our finances are so bad that our grocery budget is $130 a month for us and my 4 kids. He has a budget (that he never sticks to) of $200 a month for gas, cigarettes, and whatever else he needs. He buys beer with his extra money of course. Does anyone know how hard it is to feed 6 people on $130 a month?! I'm starving! I don't work because I can't find a job that would even cover half of what childcare would cost. I have tried working from home (childcare, house cleaning etc.) but the wages for those jobs are so low because we live in an area with a LOT of illegals who are willing to do work for next to nothing. I'd be making $2 an hour! Before the Army moved us to Fort Bliss, I had a decent paying job, my own house, friends and family near and now I have NOTHING. He makes all the money so I feel so unentitled to complain because at least we have a decent place to live, healthcare and a car to drive. Anyway, he has gone from a nightly drunk, to only drinking a six pack on week nights and getting loaded on the weekend and now to only drinking beer (three or four 32oz beers) on the weekend. He is highly functional in that he is doing very well at work, is wonderful with the kids and most of the time me. He helps around the house when needed and cooks a few nights a week (he loves to BBQ). What bothers me is that he has told me outright that if I wanted him to stop drinking altogether (and I do) that we're through. I want him to quit drinking because I know that once our financial problems begin to resolve themselves and we have money for alcohol, he'll go back to drinking more. He has cut back a few times before but it always creeps back in. Naturally he denies this, denies he has a problem and says that he will never give up that part of his "manhood". I just started therapy this last week and after I had gotten home, the minute I walked into the door, he said he needed to talk to me upstairs. We went into our room and he said that he was done with "us" and he had a bag packed and would go stay at a buddies' house. This was all because he got onto my facebook page and read my messages. I had forgotten to erase (he gets into my fb all the time, and my phone) a message to a friend whom I have been talking to about my situation. I told her about how recently him and I has made some amends after I threatened to leave and how just in case, I am working on a backup plan to move back home if I need. I had told her about a few of the things he had done in the past. This mad him more angry than I've ever seen him. Usually I just sit there and cry and let him push me further into guilt but this time I told him that I NEED to talk to somebody because what he's doing to me is killing me. I told him that I would be stupid not to have a contingency plan for my 4 kids and I at this point in our relationship. Then I asked him, "what did I tell her that wasn't true?" He had nothing to say. He went out to smoke for much longer than usual and came back in with an apology that included everything but "sorry". Since then he has been SO nice to me, and promised to stick to his budget and to only drink on weekends (still three or four 32oz beers on friday, saturday and sunday). I am still so angry because his beer "budget" combined with his cigarette budget is as much as our grocery budget. I'm not joking when I say I'm starving. Granted, it won't hurt me none to lose some weight, but going hungry so that I can feed my kids is depressing. I have talked to his VERY Mormon, very anti-alcohol brother and parents about what's going on and his parents look the other way. His brother tells me that I knew he was a drinker when I married him and that I need to accept him for who he is. I have friends who tell me that since he has made progress and never gets stumblingly drunk, that I should give him credit. However, my family (my mother a recovering alcoholic herself) wants me to leave him and come home. Several of my closest friends do too. Here's why I stay (I'm not saying it's right but here it is): 1. Our family didn't abandon my mom when she was at her sickest and now we have a strong family. 2. It's true, I knew what I was getting myself into and fell like I should deal with it. 3. He truly loves me with all his heart and I can't bear to see him hurt. 4. Aside from his alcohol problem, he's a wonderful husband. 5. My kids absolutely adore him and my youngest knows him as "daddy" (even though he is not his biological father. But here's the thing I worry about if I stay: 1. His disease will progress and I and my kids will be further affected. 2. He loves beer more than he loves me 3. The things he has done in the past make it impossible to trust him, and 4. I hate sex with him and any intimacy. I am not entirely sure why this is but once when he was drunk he tried to smother me during sex and it scared me bad. Sorry, TMI. And another kicker, he deploys in 2 and-a-half months to Afghanistan. I am petrified of being here in the middle of nowhere with no support for 9 months just to have him come home worse (PTSD is an issue, I believe). How will it be staying here alone, homesick as hell, knowing that our problems could only get worse when he gets home? I refuse to leave while he is deployed. That's just cold and I do respect him as a soldier. He deserves better. I guess my question to everyone who had the patience to read this whole thing is "what do I do?" Do I point out that despite his improvements, I can't live with this uncertainty? Do I stay and hope it gets better? He is such a sweet talker and I do feel he is sincere. BTW, I have been to AA meetings and they seem to be no help. The one I went to most recently only left me more confused as to how to handle my situation which is why I have "graduated" to a psychiatrist. Please give me any advice you have, good or bad, hard to hear or not. Thank you! |
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Yesterday, 04:54 PM
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| Community Greeter ?Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: Anchorage, Alaska Posts: 3,044 | Welcome to SR, derbygirl. Advice - well - the first thing that comes to mind is support through the Army? I know its a huge issue for military folks, especially those coming and going to the Middle East. Second - there's Al-Anon. AA is for the alcoholics, and I do recommend attending open meetings for information, but Al-Anon is our support group. Try a handful of meetings, see if it helps to simply be in a room with other friends & family of alcoholics and addicts. Sometimes, just sharing the common experience is comforting. The grocery issue - good heavens I spend $130 a week for 3 people. Three girls, to boot! Granted, where I live, food prices are much higher than your region, but still...I understand how you feel starving to feed your kids. How about local churches and food pantries for a while? Just to supplement your own pantry in the interim? It'll be an immediate band-aid on a gunshot wound, but at least you'd have some more staples in the house without having to starve. I would set everything else on the back burner for now. Is he or isn't he an alcoholic? Should you stay or should you go? What to do, what to do??? This kind of thinking and what we call here "future tripping" creates a lot of unnecessary anxiety. Try to take things one at a time, in order of priority. Let the rest go for now. You don't need to make any major decisions today, do you? And lastly, keep reading and keep coming back. And know the snooping and threatened behavior that you are talking to others about this is normal for the alcoholic. Secrets keep us sick, so good for you for reaching out as you have. Keep doing that! Take good care,
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Yesterday, 06:30 PM
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| Member ?Join Date: Sep 2012 Posts: 203 | I couldn't get one word beyond > tried to smother me That was the end of reading for me. I rarely say this - but if you're honest that he basically tried to kill you - you need to get immediate help to leave. I'm so sorry, but that is no going forward with that. Please, get yourself help, carefully. There are domestic violence hot lines and safe houses . . . Sending you my concern! |
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Yesterday, 06:48 PM
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| Member ?Join Date: Jul 2010 Location: ohio usa Posts: 3,133 | I am sorry, but soldier or not, you deserve better. no one should have to go hungry so their spouse can drink. you cant make him stop. for every family that stays together through alcoholism and gets stronger, I would bet at least 50 dont. if not more. be safe. __________________Life's sweetest joys are hidden In unsubstantial things... -May Riley Smith |
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Yesterday, 07:01 PM
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| Member ?Join Date: Oct 2010 Location: Alabama Posts: 63 | Quote:
As a man, if I do not put myself above my family, then I am not a man. He does not consider you a spouse or the children as his. As the product of a father who left me at 12 (my brother was 15), without financial support, my mother survived, and did a great job. You will be respected more for removing them from this situation than exposing them to a selfish alcoholic. Just my opinion, Toss | |
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Yesterday, 07:30 PM
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| ? Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: Starting over all over again Posts: 3,333 | Hello Derbygirl, and welcome to SoberRecovery  Quote:
When your husband deploys you do not have to stay near the base. Since you had a good job prior to moving you can move back to where you came from and the military will be _very_ understanding about that. They are very much in favor of helping the spouses and families and completely understand what financial hardships are like. Oh, and as far as him being a soldier, the military considers you to be a soldier too. The work you do as a spouse on home soil is just as vital for the safety of our country as the work he does overseas. Al-anon meetings are highly recommended. You can find them in your phone book, or here How to find a meeting in the US/Canada/Puerto Rico Another resource is the women's shelters in your area. Not for you to go live there, but because they know _all_ the programs that can help you with groceries, getting a job, working on your contingency plan, etc. I am not familiar with your part of the country so I can only suggest you call the Salvation Army and Catholic Charities as a start. You have a lot more options available than what you mentioned in your post, and there are a _lot_ of resources available to you. All you have to do is make a few phone calls. Welcome again. I'm sorry that you are in such a situation, I can't even imagine how stressed you must feel. I'm glad you found us, there are a lot of kind, wise people here who will come by and post over the next few days. Most people here have gone thru much the same hardship you are dealing with today. They made it through, and have a much better life today. You will get through this, just like everybody else on this forum has. Don't give up, keep coming back. We will be here to cheer you on. Mike
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Today, 07:48 AM
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| Member ?Join Date: Sep 2012 Location: El Paso, TX Posts: 4 | Here's the thing about help for him through the military, HE WON'T DO IT! If he refuses to do it on his own, then what good will it do? If I go to the chaplain or his commander and he is forced into treatment, what good would that do? He would just keep drinking because it's his "right" and hold resentment towards me for having made him look foolish, just like when I talked to me friend about the problem. Getting him into treatment against his will is NOT a good idea. I am seeking help for groceries and am having no luck. The one church that does have a "pantry" one weekend a month doesn't have much to go around. Last week they were able to give me four cans of vegetables, a loaf of bread and a jar of peanut butter. I'm grateful but it's not going to help much. I will keep trying. As far as al anon, the meetings are very confusing to me honestly. The talk about how to live with the problems, not solutions. That is why I don't leave, because I feel like since he's been a drinker since we met, I should live with it and stop complaining. I just feel so stuck and confused. How did my life get so bad? Before I gave up everything that meant anything to me and moved here, I was as happy as I had ever been. I so badly want that back. |
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Today, 07:51 AM
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| Member ?Join Date: Sep 2012 Location: El Paso, TX Posts: 4 | Also, I have to sneak behind his back to go to al anon meetings! He thinks al anon is a bunch of weirdos and family members of "real" alcoholics. |
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Today, 09:44 AM
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| Community Greeter ?Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: Anchorage, Alaska Posts: 3,044 | Quote:
In Al-Anon there are no solutions. I remember being turned off by that at first. The point is to change ourselves and our lives regardless of what the alcoholic is doing, so we can continue living meaningful lives. It's what you will primarily find on this forum, as well. None of us can offer you a solution because we don't know your life. We can only offer you experience, strength, and hope from having lived ours. One thing I can assure you is that you are not stuck. How you go about making the changes you need is up to you.
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Today, 09:50 AM
| ? #11 (permalink) |
| Enlighten and Expurgate ?Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: NJ Posts: 10,830 | If you and your kids are having trouble getting regular meals and he is spending MORE on cigarettes and booze while you go hungry and so do the kids, I would think that is your first responsibility. I'm sorry you feel trapped and I hope you can find a way to get real help and get out of this abusive situation. to be denying your body nourishment is going to give YOU health problems too, not to mention the horrible stress that is draining you. it's terrible that he puts his cigarettes and booze over the welfare and food for his family. IDK HOW you could feed them on $130. a month? do the kids get free meals at school? please reconsider going to the chaplin, even in confidence.
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Source: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/269548-im-miserable-please-help.html
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